I’ve typed, deleted and retyped this 100 times. Going right into detail trying to explain I guess,what are minor details but the reality of it is. I thought (and probably selfishly) by getting clean, my life would go back to what I wanted it to be and it would be the fairy tale I dreamed it would be.
The reality is my partner left me a little over a year ago and despite my getting clean and doing everything I thought I needed to win her back she’s just never going to be able to forgive me.
I’ve put my story on here a few times but I’m a recovering cocaine addict. As bad as it gets. £3.5 a day, spending 1000 a week at my worst and I hid it all until of course I was found out and she left me.
The thing is, I never once set out to hurt anyone. I never chose addiction. I’m not making excuses for my behaviour or things I did but I crossed the line from occasional use to addiction when I lost my parents both within a year of eachother. Again not an excuse but I was a broken man, I still had responsibilities and the only way I was able to function was to rack up a line, block out the pain and crack on.
I lied to my partner about money and why I had none when I had a very good job. I lied about having to work late because I was too boosted to come home and addiction gripped me and took me to a place lower than I hope anyone reading this never has to experience.
But I never stopped loving my Mrs, all I have ever wanted is a family and through my addiction I lost that. My daughter was at the time she left 1 and since then I only get to see her for a few hours once a week. I don’t get to wake up and kiss her good morning, I dont get to come home from work and have her run to daddy with excitement and it kills me. I never signed up to be a part time dad. My daughter deserves better than that.
I am the only one to blame for this but I’m finding it so hard that I’m not that guy anymore. I am me again, Im loving, caring, hard working and able to continue doing all of the things I promised my Mrs I would do for her when we met but she doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I understand, of course I do, I hurt her, but the lack of of understanding is so hard to deal with. As far as she is concerned, I chose cocaine over her. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I have always loved her with every ounce of my being but addiction and grief took hold of me and I’m so sorry for that. I don’t argue with her but I want to say so bad to her, walk those 18months in my shoes, go through everything I did and tell me that you wouldn’t of done the same but I know that’s not fair.
I’m just finding it hard because there is no moving on for me. I love her and I love my daughter. I know Im the one who caused this but I just wish she would understand that I never did any of those things intentionally and I never once wanted to hurt her.
I understand I can’t expect her to ever forgive me but the guilt and shame coupled with the thought of never being a family again is so hard.
If there was ever a day I would slip it was today. But I’m thankful I came here to write this instead. I’m sorry if it makes no sense or it offends any of you who are partners of addicts but I needed to write this.
James
